by Tiffany Bisconer

One of my biggest fears has been living on this planet without leaving a dent in the human condition. I’ve tried almost every angle starting from going door to door selling jokes, to picking up trash at my lunch break in elementary school then I graduated to political rallies, collaborative theatre performances and community outreach through various non-profit organizations. After years of pounding the pavement with questionable levels of vocal projection, I wanted more and more to see change while being surrounded by a positive environment. I also found that I had something to say for myself and I wanted with a passion to see growth rise out of the destruction I saw in the streets. I wanted desperately to see people change the condition of their lives until they were really living. I figured if I was going to go out, I’d better go out screaming for what I believe in, or at least make a difference…… somehow. I fought and I fought the oppression of the underprivileged ……… Then, I realized that the systems I was fighting against weren’t always what held people down from seeing a true potential out of their lives. To some degree the people were holding down themselves as well. I believe that the only way to live honestly and fully is to look every day in the mirror, deal with what you see, and move forward with full force towards your dreams and goals. What I never imagined was at the end of this political rainbow would be……..belly dance.

I never thought this passion and drive I had would be funneled through belly dance. I never dreamed I would be fighting for my voice through my body and dancing for my spirit’s survival, until I walked into Suhaila’s studio. Now, going on my eighth year of being by Suhaila’s side and seeing the growth of her vision day by day, I can say that I am seeing the world change one woman at a time. I have the reality I’ve always wanted right in front of me. The biggest impact belly dancing has specifically on women is the fact that it’s such a personal experience, but not without roots towards the growth of a community as a whole. The personal exploration and keeping a creative voice is what keeps my spirit fresh, and the family that is formed from the dance community is what keeps my soul grounded. It is from that positive ground and outlook that change can happen.

Day one of our first Level III Weeklong Workshop at the “mother ship” reiterated once again why it’s important to hold the mirror of who you are right up to eye level on a daily basis. To be an artist you have to put yourself on the line in order to effect people enough to where they can feel something from you. Part of the impact of this dance form is through the lifestyle that is created and another element of effect is through the process of performance. The way I see performance through belly dance is an opportunity to say something through your body with the music, share a piece of yourself and make a statement. In Level III within Suhaila’s Format she begins to breakdown the art of personal impact. In the workshop through solo and partner exercises we began to learn how to prepare emotionally in order to break down the barrier between the true self and a performance persona. There should be no separation between your life, and your art. The exercises we went through were at times excruciating in that raw, full of emotion and feeling completely naked way, but I saw more in that one week out of the women who were in the workshop with me than I had the opportunity to see after having danced with them all for years prior. The demand to be real pushed everyone to an edge and we all took turns falling off the ledge surrendering to an unknown fate. It was scary to feel so incredibly vulnerable and raw. By the end of each day I was on extreme sensory overload, trying to pull myself together to face the world enough to drive home! But in all of this I felt that I was being true to myself as a passion soaked artist….through all the filters and emotional barriers of protection, I was digging to find and share my voice. If I was going to perform, my ultimate goal would be to know I did my best in having those in the room with me leave with something, a piece of who I am, where I’ve been and what I have to say. So, I couldn’t be afraid of all that meant if I expected to be able to share it….

At some point in the duration of the workshop Suhaila asked, “Who are you as a woman and what do you want to say? Really….who are you and what do you want to say?” The first time I heard Suhaila ask this a fog rested over the room, the women surrounding me took in the question and let it sit somewhere inside, not fully taking claim to the responsibility of an actual answer. Then she asked again. This time I think the question sank deeper. The woman in front of me started crying and some spontaneous laughter had erupted somewhere behind me. My first response was to scream. I was flooded by images, catch phrases, deep guttural noises, tears, laughter, desire and longing. My body felt hot, filled with fire, my chest was warm and the energy in my body rimmed my eyes. I felt like yelling, fighting, surrendering and nesting all at the same time. Who am I as a woman with all of that to say……..? In an instant I was overwhelmed with the thought of how I was going to get all of this out of me and through my body in order to answer the rhetorical question that was just asked. A slightly distorted version of Billy Elliot began playing in my head…… How do I make myself comprehensible to he rest of the planet? How do I say so much through my body, through my eyes, without feeling like I’ve maxed out all sensory receptors? Take one thing at a time? I hear this symphony behind my eyes, but all that seems to come out when I open my mouth is a nursery rhyme.

Most of the time my mind runs on overdrive, it bounces back and forth between both artistic and practical information overload. With thanks to my Capricorn self, most of my energy is spent balancing my heart strings with looming overtones of the voice of intellect and responsibility. I stand somewhere in the middle…..usually screaming. I feel like I have a full-blown creatively laced calculus problem going on behind my eyes all day long. The joys of being a complex female! I only pray that when I open my mouth to speak that my words are clear and when my body takes over my story that my movements make a statement that can be felt without words.

The last day of the workshop I was sitting on the floor by the stereo in our studio. It was getting late, but I couldn’t leave until I listened to a song that had been chasing my brain all day one more time. As the story began to build in the music I lie on my back and let my body to dance for only my mind’s eye to see. I cried through my laughter as I let the music take me. My body was vibrating from the sentiment. As the song came to an end I peeled myself off of the floor and played the song again, this time I danced. I felt free and alive. I was alone in our now dimly lit studio with just the music to accompany me and my spirit was fed and flying. I was dancing for me. I was dancing for my happiness and I was moving through my tears. I have a long way to go until I reach all of my personal and global goals, more than a lifetime, but I look forward to growing through each phase as a woman with this dance form. I hope as I age I will have the opportunity to see more and more woman find happiness in this art form. Whether I have been fighting from the streets of San Francisco or from the Arabic Night Clubs or from the center of a proscenium stage at a large theatre production, all I want is for people to be infected by inspiration enough to fight for what really matters to them in their own life and then beyond.