It was a family day and we took Isabella to see The Incredibles. I had been traveling so much lately that I think I was more excited about family day than my husband or child was. I was going to get to have popcorn and sit and be entertained for a change. It is a kids’ movie so I knew that I wouldn’t have to think and the movie experience wouldn’t be too deep. It was just what I wanted from an afternoon. But after the movie I found myself in a very deep conversation with my daughter about how when you are a grown-up you must always be honest and be who you really are inside all the time. Never compromise or do anything that will make you unhappy inside. Oh well, so much for a light afternoon. The movie was wonderful and full of many of the issues we have each day - being true to what we are and not changing into what we think we should be. We came home and I pulled out pictures of my life before she was born and we held each other on the couch as I took her on a tour of mommy before Isabella. I told her how lucky she is to be who she is and never try and hide who she is or be anything else.

At each workshop I give I try and spend a little time lecturing on the impact of growing up in a Middle Eastern home and being first generation. It isn’t enough to have gone through the little cultural things such as henna tattoos, exotic spices in food, Islamic rules in the house, keeping my eyes down and not speaking unless spoken to… but becoming a professional belly dancer was out of the question. Yes… my mother was a dancer when my father met her, but the family tried to hide it, and the fact that she was American teaching other American’s made it “okay” as long as she came home and handed her father in law the pay check. So I grew up with so much shame… shame that I was half American and shame that I was very much in love with dancing. Maybe no one would notice.

My mother didn’t believe in baby sitters so I was brought to each of her classes with a bag of toys and dolls to play with. I remember sitting on the side and doing nothing else but watch the class. I never felt bored or restless since I knew I had found my calling. I would try and find hiding places and do what my mother was teaching as long as no one was watching. One day while my mother was in the living room I said “mommy… I have a surprise for you” and she wasn’t really paying attention and replied “what is it?” and I told her to put some music on. I was only 2 years old and when I came out into the living room dancing and doing a full-on show my mother’s mouth dropped open. I never felt so free and happy in my life. I was in my body for the first time and I had no fear. She couldn’t believe that her little girl was dancing - and with such feeling - from just watching. From that day on my mother and I joined up to support each other in our double life. It was then that I was given the roll of “opening” for Bal Anat (my mother’s dance company)… of course after the Mother Goddess Dance. Maybe no one would notice.

While at home my father and his family were very strict. We never spoke of dance, and the fact that my mother had a troupe and would perform on the weekends was too much for his side of the family to even think of. My uncles were very mean and often hit us little ones as a form of discipline in the house. Sometimes I would get backhanded for no reason and when I would look up at my uncle he would say “that is just in case.” I never spoke to or made eye contact with the men in the house much since I was scared of the outcome…. We were all like that. My cousins and I would hide and hold hands and make secret deals with each other that no matter what we wouldn’t end up like our aunts. We would squeeze each other so tight and hold our breath, close our eyes, and make a wish. After our secret meeting we would go back to our chores and serve the men in the house with our eyes down. Just knowing that my cousins and I had a plan made the time bearable in the house. My mother was either working or in the hospital with my father so I was at the mercy of my father’s family. I would daydream of my mother coming home and taking me to dance. Maybe no one would notice.

At school I didn’t feel I was were I should be either. I was hiding so much inside myself that I could hardly stand to be in the classroom. After my mother and father separated he would always threaten her with her biggest fear. “One day when you come and pick her up from school, if she isn’t waiting for your outside just know that she is on a plane to Iran and there will be nothing you can do about it.” If I was even 1 minute late coming out of my classroom my mother would be hysterical…. I never knew why until later in my life. I only wish she would have told me earlier so I could have been a team with her like we were in dance. And all through this I would be daydreaming of the moment that I could be dancing. Maybe no one would notice.

I think I was hoping no one would notice me. Making peace with my two worlds has been the key to my healing and the hope I have had for being able to raise my daughter with all the freedom and validation she needs to become the woman that she has inside her. Take the time to honor your freedom and the fact that you can dance and make it a part of your life. It’s not the choreography, the technique, the troupe, the costume, or the tour… it is about making your life full of everything you want it to be. No hiding. It has been through the love and support of my husband, and his family being so open minded that I have been able to truly keep my head high and love myself. Which for me is the biggest gift of all, making each day special in our household. So I am breaking this pattern of fear and secrets in my family. Isabella is the first generation of women who will be what they love and love what they will be. I hope everyone will notice.

When I was 6 years old my mother and I moved out into a beautiful home - just the two of us. I think that for me that was when I really began to live and express myself. When I would ask my mother why we were moving away from daddy she would look at me and say “we are getting a fresh start”. So for me, it was very exciting to be able to live like a normal kid for the first time. My mother even allowed me to get a kitten which looking back was a huge rebellious act on my mother’s part since my father didn’t like cats.

I was 19 years old when my mother sold our home and I was devastated. I would dream about this house since it was the beginning of my life. I could breath for the first time in this house, laugh for the first time, and I grew up safe between the four walls of this house. So, when I was 26 years old I bought my old house back. When my mother asked my why I replied “we are getting a fresh start.” Now my daughter walks the same footsteps I did as a child…. But safe and strong with no shame. So my gift to her is her life being a fresh start for the both of us.

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